HU'S ON FIRST - by James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

   

Bush:
 Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?
Condi:
 Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush:
 Great.  Lay it on me.
Condi:
 Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush:
 That's what I want to know.
Condi:
 That's what I'm telling you.
Bush:
 That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:
 Yes.
Bush:
 I mean the fellow's name.
Condi:
 Hu.
Bush:
 The guy in China.
Condi:
 Hu.
Bush:
 The new leader of China.
Condi:
 Hu.
Bush:
 The Chinaman!
Condi:
 Hu is leading China.
Bush:
 Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi:
 I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush:
 Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?
Condi:
 That's the man's name.
Bush:
 That's who's name?
Condi:
 Yes.
Bush:
 Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi:
 Yes, sir.
Bush:
 Yassir?  Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi:
 That's correct.
Bush:
 Then who is in China?
Condi:
 Yes, sir.
Bush:
 Yassir is in China?
Condi:
 No, sir.
Bush:
 Then who is?
Condi:
 Yes, sir.
Bush:
 Yassir?
Condi:
 No, sir.
Bush:
 Look, Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:
 Kofi?
Bush:
 No, thanks.
Condi:
 You want Kofi?
Bush:
 No.
Condi:
 You don't want Kofi.
Bush:
 No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi:
 Yes, sir.
Bush:
 Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.
Condi:
 Kofi?
Bush:
 Milk!  Will you please make the call?
Condi:
 And call who?
Bush:
 Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi:
 Hu is the guy in China.
Bush:
 Will you stay out of China?!
Condi:
 Yes, sir.
Bush:
 And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi:
 Kofi.
Bush:
 All right!  With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi:
 Rice, here.
Bush:
 Rice?  Good idea.  And a couple of egg rolls, too.  Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.  And the Middle East.  Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?